SuicideGirls' Top Ten Films of 2008
by Ryan Stewart

The 2008 year in film effectively began on January 22, when, while riding a bus through the snowbound Sundance Film Festival, I noticed people checking their Blackberries and whispering about reports that Heath Ledger had been found dead in New York. There would be no other major topic of conversation for the remainder of the fest — it was a pretty dull year for Sundance — and that set the tone for a generally below average, hit and miss year that was light on quality and big on bloated franchise spectacle, particularly the re-animation of long-dead franchises. Rambo came back after a twenty year absence to turn the entire Burmese army into hamburger patties, and that was fun, but then the memory pirates known as Spielberg & Lucas also rode in and delivered a root canal of a film that allegedly had something to do with Indiana Jones. Major missteps from respected filmmakers such as M. Night Shyamalan, Spike Lee, David Fincher and Clint Eastwood would also appear on the menu in 2008.

This was also a year in which the business itself became a big story, as a tough economic climate forced most Hollywood studios to shutter their indie distribution arms, leaving much doubt about how independent film will thrive going forward. If that wasn't bad enough, newspapers also initiated a mass wave of layoffs of film critics that by year's end have left the ranks more or less decimated. Factor in the winter strike that had the effect of disrupting 2009's slate of films and there's truly no telling what next year will look like. Merry Christmas! In all seriousness, though, there were, as always, a handful of truly exceptional films that shone through all the muck this year, and it's my job to point them out, so here we go.





1. Wendy and Lucy

Imagine having no safety net of any kind, no family or friends to count on, no job or savings and no roof over your head — only $500 in cash and a barely-functioning old car. Then the car breaks down. Wendy and Lucy tells the gripping, no-frills story of a twenty-something girl in just such a situation, on her way to Alaska to work at a fish cannery when she's waylaid by fate and trapped in a featureless strip mall town with her hungry dog Lucy to consider and her options shrinking by the hour. Where can she turn? How will she survive? Influenced by Umberto D. and other classics of Italian neorealism, this micro-budgeted film masterfully dramatizes just how terrifying life on the margins of American society can become for those who fall through the cracks.





2. Let the Right One In

"I can't come in unless you invite me," says twelve year-old Eli to her playmate, Oskar, at his apartment door. She's not being polite — she's a vampire and of the two of them, she's the more normal one, accepting that she must kill to survive and is contemptuous of her father for trying to prevent her from doing so, and in a sense, growing up. As for Oskar, he's a small, effeminate boy channeling the rage he feels from intense school bullying into unhealthy knife and serial killer fetishes. What can Eli teach Oskar about living in a world of remorseless violence? And what to make of the scene where these sexless beings lie naked in bed, comforting each other? An amazing story of friendship and survival at all costs, this Swedish gem inspired more conversation than any other film in 2008.





3. Man on Wire

It was an act of high-stakes art, undertaken with all the precision planning of a bank robbery but having nothing to do with money. On August 7, 1974, a French daredevil named Philippe Petit completed a high-wire walk between the twin towers of the World Trade Center, something onlookers could barely comprehend and police seemed embarrassed to label a crime. Man on Wire, an immensely absorbing documentary, chronicles the walk and pushes for answers to the deeper questions: What was in it for Petit, and who is he? What kind of mind could absorb that much imminent danger and still perform like a ballerina? What made others want to join in and help him accomplish his goal? There are hardly any real answers, of course. As one conspirator says in the film, "The important thing is that we did it."





4. In the City of Sylvia

In the city of Strasbourg, there's a man searching for his lost love, but further details are scarce. We know that they connected briefly, six years ago, and then lost each other. We don't know his name or why that sidewalk cafe he plants himself at is central to the quest or whether he has any real expectation of finding her again, but the search is what sustains him as he sketches and admires other beautiful women who pass by and allows all of the majesty of city life to enter his pores. This elliptical, uncommonly beautiful French film from Jose Luis Guerin is highly abstract and certainly not for all tastes, but should strike a chord with anyone who's ever been haunted by a face on a busy street and been unable to shake the memory even years later.





5. Happy-Go-Lucky

Is real happiness reserved for children, morons and religious fundamentalists? Mike Leigh's latest film doesn't have an answer, but it asks the question. Sally Hawkins gives the performance of a career as Poppy, an emphatically upbeat young woman who responds to her bicycle being stolen in the film's opening scene by musing that, "We never even got to say goodbye." Ain't nothin' gonna break her stride as she skips through modern-day London where she encounters neurotics, psychotics, racists, and other walking black clouds who fail to do anything to dim her innate cheerfulness. Is Poppy crazy? Does she know something about the nature of the universe that no one else does? Is she a "happiness fascist" as one critic declared? Is she hiding something deep and dark? These questions become terribly compelling the longer the film goes on.





6. Revolutionary Road

The old Ink Spots song "The Gypsy" plays as Frank first notices April dancing with another man from across the room and begins to fall for her. She notices him as well and the sparks fly. It's all downhill from there! This story of a crumbling marriage between two attractive young suburbanites in 1950s New England is made palpably painful for the viewer because it stars Kate & Leo, the universally agreed-upon Great Screen Couple of our generation. Virtuoso acting abounds as they rip each other to shreds for two hours and we, the audience, silently entreat them to just keep giving it one more try. Come on, Kate — you jump, he jumps, right? Director Sam Mendes appropriately dials down his usual stylistic eccentricities and although the source novel is somewhat overrated, the well-structured screenplay serves everyone well.





7. Iron Man

What was it George Carlin said? Billionaires don't care about you. That's the unburied ethos of Iron Man, a well-made, fun to watch and almost believable superhero film that puts the lie to all of Bruce Wayne's tiresome moralizing. No self-respecting billionaire industrialist would concern himself with personally thwarting the activities of deranged criminals in a crumbling city and then agonize over whether he's endangering citizens. Such a person might, however, build a mansion-sized man cave on the Malibu coast, tinker with advanced metallurgic toys in the basement at his leisure and hire a Gwyneth Paltrow look-a-like to serve as his live-in personal assistant/surrogate mommy/arms-length love interest. And if the press started asking too many questions about his nighttime excursions in an unlicensed flying body suit? "I am Iron Man. Fuck you."





8. Nothing but the Truth

Rod Lurie films offer small pleasures, but pleasures all the same. When sitting down to watch a Lurie film you know you're going to get the kind of socio-political drama that every other filmmaker in Hollywood gave up on making around 1987, only with Lurie's special brand of "ripped from the headlines" immediacy. With Nothing but the Truth, he pilfers the Valerie Plame saga to tell the story of Washington reporter Rachel Armstrong, (Kate Beckinsale) who stumbles onto the secret identity of Erica Van Doren, a brash and sexy CIA agent played by Vera Farmiga. What Armstrong and her paper do with that info and the political shitstorm that results makes for a robust, entertaining little drama that delivers on multiple levels. Also, did I mention that Vera Farmiga plays a brash and sexy CIA agent?





9. Redbelt

Handicapped fighting, an offshoot of mixed martial arts in which the combatants draw colored marbles to see who will have to fight with an arm or a leg tied down before the bout begins, is completely fictional, though you'd never know it watching Redbelt. David Mamet has created one of his best films in years with the story of Mike Terry (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a jujitsu instructor in low-rent Los Angeles who finds himself getting pulled into a seedier world than his own — Hollywood — and must extricate himself from an elaborate gambling ring con before it swallows him up. Like all of Mamet's best films, this one is richly, sometimes maddeningly layered, as well as filled to the brim with exciting cameos, unexpected twists and poignant moments of decision that strip away the characters' illusions about who they really are.





10. The Wrestler

Randy "the Ram" Robinson drives around New Jersey in an old van, blasting 80s power ballads as he goes from one tiny gig to the next, living on chump change. It's the life of a 50-something professional wrestler whose glory days were never all that glorious, although Randy came closer to stardom than most, showing kids at his trailer park a Nintendo game featuring his likeness. His real name isn't even Randy — it's Robin — as we learn when he's forced to don a name tag and do counter shifts at a deli. The Wrestler is an ingenious, but hellish updating of Rocky in which Adrian is now a capricious stripper, Apollo Creed is a car salesman who plays the baddie on weekends to make a few extra bucks and the fans who show up want victory, but they'll settle for injury.




Honorable Mentions: Timecrimes, Cassandra's Dream, The Strangers, Wanted, The Reader, Stuck, Married Life, The Bank Job, Valkyrie, Fugitive Pieces.

Check out our 2007 Top 10 film list for you holiday DVD viewing pleasure.

Legendary pin-up Bettie Page passed away on Thursday, December 11 at 6:41 PST at Kindred Hospital in Los Angeles. She was 85 when she died. A private funeral service will be held at the Westwood Memorial Cemetery on Tuesday, December 16.

Page was hospitalized after suffering a heart attack on December 2, and had been on life support since then, her condition being compounded by pneumonia. In a statement on Page's official website, her longtime agent, Mark Roesler, said, "She died peacefully but had never regained consciousness after suffering a heart attack nine days ago."

Page found religion and became reclusive in later life, suffering from depression and bouts of metal illness. In a rare interview with The Los Angeles Times in 2006 Page said, "I want to be remembered as the woman who changed people's perspectives concerning nudity in its natural form."

My world has just changed forever. I wake up day in and day out, assuming I live in a post-Seagal word. Assuming that the most I'd hear of Seagal these days would be an arrest for drunk driving or some altercation somewhere. How wrong I was. The Seagal era continues. I want to say ""stronger than ever" but that seems like an exaggeration. Let's just say the state of the Seagal era is "strong."

Okay, what? TWO Seagal bombshells in one day? One would've been more than enough, two is just greedy. Tomorrow, when I wake up to no Seagal news it's gonna feel like a cold, empty Seagal-less void. It's like eating two feasts back to back only to know the next day brings starvation. I almost don't want to eat.

Let me get this straight, 1) Steven Seagal is a cop?!?! How has this escaped my notice? And for ten years? That sort of implies he's actually pretty decent at his job and that it's not a total stunt...This is really something that has happened on our world? And it isn't national news?

And 2) Um, WE GET TO WATCH HIM BE A COP ON TV?! Unbelievable.

"Musical activites" makes me nervous. Hopefully we're talking about the music created when a fist bounces off a bad guy's skull. The sweet sounds produced when a pool cue collides with a Haitian drug kingpin's ribs. Not, um, you know, shitty sax-filled jazz.

Hopefully "philanthropic activities" refers to his donating punches to lawbreakers, and volunteering his time, free of charge, to the pursuit of arm-breaking and kneecapping all those who defy him.

Uh, thanks Variety, is that who Steven Seagal is? He's that guy? Not the president of France, Steven Seagal? Good to know.

The only people who don't know who Steven Seagal is have been living in a cave the past twenty years, and chances are they're living there to avoid detection by Seagal who sent them running to the cave in the first place. So, yeah, anyone reading Variety knows who Seagal is.

Also, Under Siege is still the best rip-off 'Die Hard on a boat, balcony spaceship, etc., movie' ever made. To re-cap, he's a chef on a boat taken hostage by villains... who also happens to be an ex Navy Seals. Or was it Green Beret? Special Forces? Well, you get the idea. And Tommy Lee Jones is the main bad guy.

The ONLY way that was ever going to happen was to put Steven Seagal in a reality show. That's a fact, ask any expert. You wanna publicize the plight of the people of Louisiana? Then you gotta take Seagal. It's just like how JCVD was actually made to draw attention to the perils of not making your bank robbery proof. People needed to know about it.

Think about that first sentence: "Seagal 'helps fight crime because he...'" Someone really said that. And it wasn't in reference to a movie. If you had walked into my bedroom twenty years ago while I was watching Out For Justice or Hard to Kill or Punch to Neck and said to me, "Hey man, pretty cool, right? Uh, by the way, someday Seagal will fight REAL crime on the planet Earth and they'll make it a TV show," I would've either exploded in tears of joy, or I would've pummeled the lunatic who'd broken into my house and spouted crazy talk. And now, that reality is here.

A guy robbing a convenience store will hear an offscreen, "Hey shitbag... looks like you've got more than ten items..." Then look up to see Steven Seagal say, "Here's two more." (delivers two punches) And WE GET TO SEE IT.

A drunk driver will get pulled over to hear, "Looks like you've been drinking and driving... You like drinking so much, you're Mr Drink-guy, right? Why don't you try drinking my fist. (punch)

A guy speeding will get pulled over to hear, "What's your hurry? You need to get somewhere fast? A regular 'Mr. Hurry' we got here. How about I show you my shortcut...Let me see here, according to this map, you were going...TO SLEEP." (punches guy)

A jaywalker will hear, "You like crossing against the light? That your thing? That gets you off, right? Well you didn't just cross the street...you crossed ME...and that makes me, cross. When I get cross I cross you off a list. The list of people I don't punch in the face. This automatically adds you to my list of people I DO punch in the face. Also, I'm wearing a cross." (punches guy)

TheCoolerKIng is SuicideGirls' "Culture" and "Celeb" editor (we'll use those terms loosely). Click HERE for further reading. He's also doing this: HowToBeatUpAnything

Mad Men is one of the best shows on TV that most people still don't watch. Despite a huge ad campaign (one worthy of the fictitious Sterling Copper agency, only their version would've been hatched while eighty-percent inebriated, which I doubt was the case in real-life), and a recent Emmy win, Mad Men seems unable to grab much of an audience outside of critics and the small group of non-idiots who managed to somehow hear about it and give it a shot.

Yeah, I'm assuming the majority who tuned in and then out were idiots. I realize the Emmy's were only last week and the show might do well this Sunday as a result of their win, but... The critical acclaim and awards seem to ensure that the show will be around awhile either way, but, it'd be nice to see it become a huge hit.

What's so great 'bout it, you ask? I'll tell you. I whittled this list down from the original 129 most awesome things about Mad Men. (Is 129 a good joke large number to indicate something is fantastic? I toyed with using 284. Shit, that would've been good. Ahh well, too late now. Why on Earth did I insist on carving these articles onto stone tablets and then shipping them to SG headquarters?? It seems so short-sighted now.)

The 9 Best Things About Mad Men

1) The women actually look the way women should look. Curvy and real and not like buffalo hide drawn tightly over the the face of a small porcelain dollhead that's then used to top a pencil. Take the character Joan for instance. (Played by the actress who also portrayed Mal Reynolds' wife in Firefly, which I think probably makes her my favorite actress according to a convoluted Venn diagram that I'm guessing would look like her rack.) Okay, sure her curves are actually just padding but it still counts. And sure, the women on the show are objectified within an inch of their lives, and that gets awkward but, the fact that they look like actual women is great.

2) The drinking! They somehow manage to take one of the best things ever and then make it look better and cooler than you remember it being. I actually ran to my bar after the credits rolled to see if I'd have as much fun as they did. I thought I was an alcoholic before I started watching this show. Wow. It does for drinking what Big Night did for eating.

3) John Slattery

4) The moment when head of accounts Duck Phillips sends his beloved family dog out into the wilds of New York so that he can presumably drink himself to death in peace. I don't know how I feel about this scene, not pleasant obviously, repulsive yes, but holy shit, it's crazy damn original. I can't imagine any other show giving us a moment like that

4) The scene where Don Draper's daughter mixes him a drink. Cute, and kind of weird. But think of the convenience! I'm pro-child labor as long as the kids are only making drinks. That's not so hard, right? You get tired, take a sip! It's win, win.

5) Pete Campbell, the once uppity, now castrated accounts guy. Any other show would've continued to build him as a nemesis for Don using over the top scheming and bad guy antics to turn him into a cartoon. On this show he's humbled and has his robot-like insides ripped out for all to see. Every week we get to watch him flail about and alienate people with no clue as to why things are happening and why humans behave the way they do. He could teach robot lessons to Cylons.

6) Salavatore Romano. I don't understand why he's so unhappy. He's got a great career, totally hot wife, and that one dude from Belle Jolie totally wanted to be his best friend! Why so sad?! Last season all he did was make loud showy comments about what he'd do to such-and-such woman in front of his male co-workers, what happened to that passion? I bet he winds up dumping his wife just so he can play the field. You can take the man out of the lady, but you can't take the ladies(-man) out of the man... or something.

7) The show was created by Mathew Wiener, one man who had an idea and a vision for a show. Not a team of Pete Campbell-esque "writers" all chiming in with notes and ideas for a premise that was churned out by Simon Cowell.

8) The title sequence and theme song. I don't really know enough about such things to even break down why they're so great. if I tried, I imagine I'd use a word like "spare." Maybe, "pristine" if I was feeling bold. Oh, also "bold."

9) Don Draper. I'm not sure a cooler character has ever existed. I hate these kind of comedic clichés, but if I didn't, I'd say Don was the result of Cary Grant, Fonzie's leather jacket and an iPhone getting into that machine that turned Jeff Goldblum into The Fly. That's how cool he is.




TheCoolerKIng's column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE. He's also doing this: HowToBeatUpAnything

A perfect storm of douchiness. That's what I seem to be staring into.

Before I get to that, I realize mocking or despising Paris Hilton is neither original nor hard. It's been done. A lot. People are kind of sick of it. I don't care. The facts remain the same. She is atrocious and really shouldn't be tolerated on any level. Ideally, there'd be two kinds of people in this world, those who despise Paris Hilton, and those who haven't yet heard of Paris Hilton. But nope, that second group may not exist and, alarmingly, there's a third group of people who adore her, and seem to think she is somehow doing her own thing, representing the ladies etc. These people are wrong.

In a similar though slightly more respected category is Ryan Seacrest. (Wow, quick sidebar –– what are the chances of that? I'm sorry, that never happens –– you're discussing Ryan Seacrest and he's not even the worst part of the story, that is a rare occurence my friends.)

So, Seacrest, yeah... He's been rightfully mocked but then went through a weird period where people insisted he was good at his job and moved things along nicely on American Idol ,etc. Others even praised his business sense and empire-building skills. (Yeah, that guy's the best, the dude who pipes up during a discussion about TV or film or whatever to say "yeah he may suck but he's a really good businessman." When did that become something to admire? Who gives a shit? I mean, good for him but it doesn't excuse his general shittiness.)

There you go. I just shot some fish in a barrel. To sum up, they stink. But hey, just keep stinking on your own time far away from me and the things I enjoy. He should stick to American Idol or horrendous radio or whatever his day job is ("he works so hard!" again, who cares?). And she should agree to stay away from any channels not ending in an an exclamation point, and all will be fine...

But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

Wha..Are you kidding me? I almost don't know how to react to that. Like, the gall involved in that statement, is mind-boggling... They do know that "scripted shows" require people to act (and read), right? Separately, neither one of these simpletons should be anywhere near any sort of scripted show, so the fact that they're teaming up is... unbelievable.

Why not set out to build a rocket ship to the Neptune? Or cure cancer? Honestly, those options are just as much in your wheelhouse and just as likely for you to succeed at, as developing a show.

I know I'll regret saying this but I almost want to see this abomination. Just to be able to have some new refrence point for awful. To be able to look at it for a few seconds, quantify it in some way, and then forget it ever existed, so that I can go on to enjoying nice things in the world.

There's more.

Oh-for-two Seacrest, some nice work there... In fact, SHE DOES NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. She doesn't work hard, and she takes herself very seriously. Did you really have to lie? There was no other way you could think of to compliment her?

Like, "Um, yeah, well, she's a person... and they put people on TV shows, so as you can see that's a pretty good fit right there."

Or just come right out and say "There are quite a few terrible shows on the air, why shouldn't I make some money off of one... And who better to appear in a terrible show than Paris?"

Somewhat off topic, but equally annoying is the headline for the article.

Picture some mouth-breather sounding out that sentence, getting to the ellipsis, kinda freaking out, then finishing. "What the- Ohhhh... Hahahahaha. Oh, E!, you saucy devil you... for a minute there I thought you meant that they'd gotten together in a "you know" way, hehehe! but okay, I see what you meanted to be readinged. Me like joke."

Seacrest and Hilton. I defy you to come up with a worse combo. I dare you. It's like the polar opposite of peanut butter and chocolate. Like whatever the oppsosite is, they're that, if when you ate it it would give you malaria.

Hitler and Dane Cook? Stabbings and global warming? You can't do it can you...?




TheCoolerKIng enjoys good TV and would like there to be more of it...His column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more.

BY THE COOLER KING

The world is full of assholes. An unending sea of roiling, bubbling assholes, growing, spawning combining to bring forth even bigger, and bigger assholes on a minute by minute basis. A sea so massive in scope that it’s become nearly impossible to stand out in if you’re anything short of a murderer. All this makes Jennifer Lopez’s latest offering even more special... impressive even.

Not only did she manage that impressive feat, she went further, managing to embody nearly everything wrong with America today in one single statement. I’m not sure most could do this even if trying. A coked-up Donald Trump doesn’t might not even be able to hit that mark every time.

Bravo. I mean, really, well done. Before I attempt to break that bullshit down, consider that this was a statement made to A PUBLIC ORGANIZATION. This wasn’t some late night drunken confession to a close friend who saw dollar signs. This wasn’t in some diary stolen from her house. Not only does she think this way, (which I’m sure a few jerk-holes here and there do) she thinks it’s okay to express this thought to the public.

Things Ruining America Found Within Jennifer Lopez

People are spoiled - Pretty easy to grasp. She takes things for granted. does not value them. Cares nothing for objects which other people create. half-heartedly attempts to recycle them before blaming someone else ("it's a shame" in regards to their not taking children's clothes. Yes, indeed, THAT'S the shame. That part) and then throwing the clothes away. And then telling the world about it.

Kids don’t appreciate anything - Kids get this way by getting handed things they o not appreciate. Also, by witnessing shitty people act shitty. Made worse when aforementioned shitty person is a parent.

Kids are selfish - They get this way by feeling they deserve things more than others. Things like soon to be discarded designer clothes.

People are selfish - See above. Those kids grow up and ruin things. Also, see, almost any newspaper headline.

People are wasteful - They reveal this by discarding designer clothes.

People are shallow - They think designer labels mean something. I mean, they do, to a degree. Some are quite nice. Nice enough I'd dare to not throw out after one wearing.

People are lazy – Putting together outfits is fun! Sure, using the word "outfit" leaves you open to ridicule but you get what I mean. Finding ways to recombine old shit with new shit and designer shit is challenging and to be much more vaule than simply throwing on a designer dress. C'mon.


That’s it. Is there really anything currently plaguing this planet she country she missed? She did everything with the exception of murder, and, as far as I can tell, she doesn’t covet her neighbor's wife.





TheCoolerKing is Comic Con bound

SuicideGirls Visits Set of Friday the 13th, Part 1

by Ryan Stewart


"Hey Jason, over here!" I yell across the outdoor cafeteria tent to a hulking, 6'5 man in gruesome deformity makeup who has just finished filling his plate at the fixins table. That's when he, Jason Voorhees, turns toward me and slowly starts walking my way. Normally, this is the part where you would run for your life, but luckily Jason doesn't do his killin' until after lunch. When I say lunch, by the way, I mean 2:30 in the morning -- Friday the 13th is on night call for nearly the entire duration of its shoot and I've been lucky enough to visit the Austin, Texas set on one of the final nights of production before everything wraps. There will be no wrap party after everything closes down, a policy on all Platinum Dunes films instituted after they realized that most of the cast members in their films wrap (read: die) long before the actual end of the shooting schedule. Instead, they do something like a "halfway done" party.

Derek Mears, the giant, imposing actor who is donning the Red Wings mask and hard plastic machete this time around -- I got to hold both! -- is surprisingly the nicest, most outgoing person I'll end up meeting the entire trip. Before sitting down with him for lunch in the cool Austin air along with a few other journalists, we've already had a chance to visit with him in his trailer and discuss the ins and outs of this film, which is set for release in February 2009 and can best be described as a tonal remake that chooses many of its plot elements and inspiration from the first three films in the Friday the 13th series. To say any more than that at this point is absolutely forbidden, as is to quote from any of the half-dozen or so extensive interviews I conducted during my trip. All of that will be coming in time, but for now I can only tease you by saying that I learned way more than I bargained for on this particular set visit and from talking to others who came on previous visits, and there's probably very little about the film that isn't known to me at this point. So, at the risk of provoking angry comments, let's get this out of the way:

• What's the plot of the film? Surprisingly, I probably know all of it except the ending, but I think all I can say is that it does take place at Camp Crystal Lake.

• Which of the actresses in the film get naked, if any? I could provide guidance on that, but I won't. But nudity is an imperative. No PG-13 nonsense here.

• What does Jason look like in the film, and does his look evolve at all? Good question -- I'm not telling.

• Do recurring characters from the previous films show up here? Pamela Voorhees? Tommy Jarvis? Past survivor girls? The ghost of Crazy Ralph? Again, all good questions.

• Could I describe any of the kills in this film? I could describe at least one in detail, yes, but I won't.

• When will we see a teaser trailer for this film? I think I'm allowed to say they are rushing to get something ready for ComicCon.

• Will there be Jason-POV shots and "ki, ki, ki, ma, ma, ma"? Hmmm ... what do you think?

• This remake draws its inspiration from the first three of the original series, you say? What does that mean? Stop asking me questions!

Here's one thing I can say now -- I've rarely been on a more collaborative, intense movie set than this one, with the cast and crew huddled around the monitors before and after each take and making creative decisions on the fly, seemingly to the betterment of the film. Director Marcus Nispel was rarely within my line of sight during my visit -- he's notoriously press shy and didn't want to be bothered -- but while he was putting his actors through the ringer I got to watch scenes unfold from a few feet away via the monitors and the cast members on hand seemed more like athletes than actors, charged up and intensely focused and ready to be called back onto the field at a moment's notice. That is, of course, when they weren't dodging darts from a Nerf-style dart gun being wielded by Derek Mears. (I eventually took one in the chest that was intended for producer Brad Fuller.)

Lead cast members on hand who I got to sit down with during the night aside from Derek Mears included Jared Padalecki, a dude who looks exactly like a Calvin Klein underwear model but who seems like a down to Earth, reasonable fellow. Then there was Danielle Panabaker, a very cute young lady who comes across as really young -- I doubt that she pre-dates Jason Takes Manhattan -- but also very much on her game and seemingly bemused about being in a Friday the 13th film. Then there was Amanda Righetti, who is a touch older and was the most generous with her time, considering that she was working the entire night. With dirt on her arms and clothes and her hair somewhat slicked back, she would continually go from the little interior set where she was filming multiple set-ups of a high-energy scene back to the little crew area in front of the monitors, where our small group of journalists had set up camp. Despite clearly being exhausted, she rallied in order to talk to us before we left for the night and was more coherent and charming than one could hope for.

Friday the 13th already wrapped its location filming around Austin, including at a local lake that's standing in for Crystal Lake, but while I was on the set I was taken around to various interior set-ups all within a few yards of each other. A set tour is always amusing because you can literally walk five feet and go from a character's living room to something completely different -- they even stack these structures on top of one another for easy access. At one point I climbed the stairs of a makeshift, Jenga-like structure that contained a couple of different sets for the film and got to hear the lowdown on each one. It's movie magic! My tour guide for the most part was producer Brad Fuller, who strikes me as one of the most genuine, passionate guys you'd ever want to meet in this business. If I had been taping everything he told us that night, I'd probably have three hours of tape and it would all be fascinating -- he never runs out of interesting stuff to say. A lot of what he had to say about Friday the 13th in particular will probably remain off-the-record until release day, but some of it I will be able to reveal in Part 2 of this set report.

As I said before, I did get to actually hold the mask at one point during the night, which was certainly a highlight for someone who grew up on the Friday the 13th films. When we sat down with the film's special effects make-up guru, he went into great detail about how he designed the mask this time around. Turns out he got hold of one of the old fiberglass masks from Friday the 13th, Part 3D and used that as his template to create a high-strength resin copy that's designed to take punishment and not be dented or cracked. Other elements of Jason's look and filming the actual kills were also discussed -- the amount of blood, the technique of coordinating a kill for maximum effect, the things he learned from maestro Tom Savini, the subtle mixture of practical and non-practical effects, and much more. Later on we also sat down with the director of photography and talked about how he approached Friday the 13th in terms of lighting and coloring, creating a mixture that works for the tone of the film and so forth. It's only when you sit down with these craftsmen that you really get an appreciation for how much time and energy they put into their work.

There's not much more I can say at this point without having the crew actually dispatch Jason to my apartment with a weed-whacker, so I will close for now by thanking everyone at Warner Bros. and Platinum Dunes for inviting me down for a really fun night in Austin. If the vibe I got on set was accurate, these people have put an enormous amount of time and energy into re-launching the Friday the 13th series with panache and style and have taken special care to cherry-pick all the best elements from the previous films and re-imagine them here. Whenever I heard people make obscure references to the earlier films in the producers' presence throughout the night, they were never thrown off their game -- they seemed to know those movies by heart and that's obviously who you want shepherding this thing. When I can say more, I shall return!

Normally I wouldn't be too excited about (or even interested in) two famous people "fighting" unless they were actually fighting. But normally, one of those two people isn't Clint Eastwood.

Since Clint no longer makes the kind of movies he used to, featuring him shooting evil in the stomach, then kicking it in the balls (the balls of evil are an elusive target, and made of cast iron and broken dreams. Fortunately, they're also highly susceptible to an Eastwood-kick), I guess I have to settle for him verbally battering his foes in the media. Ahh, whatever, it's still Eastwood, right?

The first jab jab was thrown by Spike Lee, he of the one good movie, a few weeks back at Cannes. Not at Clint, though, but the Cohen brothers. I guess he had to warm up for a foe the likes of Eastwood. Notch a win over a less-worthy opponent, to build confidence.

Ahh yes, because there is one way and ONLY one way to portray death onscreen. And judging by most of his recent efforts, this means putting it into an un-watchable movie.

Yes, you idiot, not everyone is making ham-fisted, clumsy bullshit where death needs to be given the weight of an elephant. There are many, many genres and even many more ways to convey something as complicated as death, than you might know about. Some people take a humorous look at it. Some revel in it's gore and enjoy a good onscreen demise. Some find a way of illustrating it's seriousness by seemingly treating it lightly. And in fact, some people make movies that are three times as good as yours. The rest settle for making them twice as good.

Not looking good for the upcoming Clint-battle. Maybe he should pick another tune-up, possibly against a Uwe Boll-type. Nope, he starts swinging.

Fighting a bit out of his weight class... As evidenced by Clint's retort in a great interview published Friday.

Already awesome.

Fucking Clint, he's still got it. Spike woke up a sleeping dragon. A squinty-eyed, leather-skinned dragon with a low rumble for a voice... Actually, it occurs to me that that describes pretty much all dragons, as well as Clint Eastwood. Hey that analogy went in a full circle!

And he has this to say about his next film, a period film taking place in a pre-integrated Los Angeles.

Clint Eastwood is swearing! Fuck yeah!

And here's the knockout blow. A verbal uppercut. Or possibly a verbal left hook, it's hard to get the conversions totally accurate.

Not realizing he's out of his league Spike fired back with the following, and proved himself to be kind of a fucking moron.

Riiight. Because Clint replying to your initial attack must mean that he thinks he's a boss on some southern civil war-era plantation and that he can order you around, not that he merely took issue with your words. Nope, he's a racist trying to bully a black man. Wow.

Yes, that's what he said, he said insignificant. He didn't just point out that the movie focused on a specific picture of soldiers raising a flag, in which no black soldiers appeared.

Clint may fire back (yeah, I know I was using a boxing metaphor, not a shooting one, it doesn't matter) but he doesn't need to, his points been made. Spike should worry about making movies. Clint should keep being the coolest son of a bitch alive.






TheCoolerKing ranks Clint's top five movies thusly: The Outlaw Josey Wales. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Unforgiven, High Plains Drifter, and possibly either A Fistful of Dollars, Paint Your Wagon or Two Mules for Sister Sara. Shit, he also loves Pale Rider. And Dirty Harry. And In the Line of Fire.

Yeah, that's right. Twenty dollars in cold hard cash to the person who can find an original or funny moment in Mike Myers' new film The Love Guru. I'm not sure I've seen a more laugh-free, cringe-worthy trailer in all of my life.

They need to create two new words meaning SHIT and GARBAGE, put them in a box and encourage them to sire offspring, then use that new bastard child-word to describe this debacle.

I'm not sure Myers has ever been funny, but people often make an argument for Wayne's World. I didn't like Austin Powers at all, but I know some respectable types who did. I seem to vaguely recall enjoying So I Married An Axe Murderer in high school, though I could be wrong about how it holds up. But this new offering, holy hell... I'd like to hear from the person out there who chuckled at this stale, ham-fisted stereotype. It honestly seems like something out of an early '90s time capsule, also containing a Hootie & The Blowfish cassingle, tribal tattoos and a gigapet. Although, by comparison, those things are hilarious.

I don't know where to begin. How about with the fact that half the gimmick of this "character," the sex-schtick, has been lifted from Austin Powers. Then there's the never-not-riotously funny gag of bouncing a midget around the set. The midget featured here has had this role role before. It took me a few seconds to remember where. Oh yes, that's right, in Austin Powers. I wonder if they re-used the footage and just CGI'd new outfits onto him. Oh wait, I forgot midgets are funny. I meant "get new doll clothes" for him.



Again, 20 bucks to the person who finds the so-called comedy of The Love Guru. Not as easy as it sounds, as you actually have to watch the movie to complete this mission. No fun for anyone. The other option is attempting to extract something funny from the trailer, also impossible, even with high-tech microscopes and the use of freeze frame. There is however a large portion of "not funny" present.

- The first gag, a funny sounding town name that when spoken slowly reads as "hair-in-my-keister." That's right, the first thing you see to sell the movie, is a joke that my shut-in drunken uncle would frown at. Think about what that jokes inclusion means. It means that numerous, NUMEROUS people read that line in the script or heard it ad-libbed and then said "Yes... that's REALLY funny. Put it in."

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing," seems pretty appropriate here.

All I'd have hoped for is that a moderately funny man or assistant or grip, had done ANYTHING.

- This is followed by a CGI-adult Mike Myers' head pasted onto a kid Mike Myers' body. This is funny because, you see, Mike Myers is actually an adult. He is NOT a kid. But for the purposes of hilarity, he is a kid here. A kid with an adult's head. Trust me when I tell you I type this with tears of laughter rolling down my face. Wait, sorry, I meant the opposite of laughter-tears. What's the kind for when bad stuff happens? Those.

- Then the Guru abruptly stands up in a teeny-tiny midget office like they have nowhere, and smashes the teeny-tiny ceiling. Nope, they don't even bother to give him a proper excuse like, something startling him, he merely lurches upwards for no good reason to deliver the money shot of awesome that is a ceiling breaking. He somehow entered a tiny room, sat down and instantly forgot where he was. If only people watching this movie could master the same trick. The only way that joke could get worse is if you saw it twice, and fortunately, I bet you'll see it three more times before the "movie" ends. Dare we hope for a messy version? Then one involving maybe an unseen tree branch? Oh man, are you listening God?

- The next gem is JT himself, Justin Timberlake, donning tight shorts and a funny wig. A different funny wig than the one Myers wears. And a different funny mustache, too. They at least went that far... JT should stick to making watered down R&B, which my friends-who-dance tell me he's quite good at. What he isn't good at, is this.

- Myers' then remarks regarding Timberlake that "it looks like he's smuggling a schnauser," a joke you might remember from real-life appearances at offices across the land, often used when describing a European seen on a recent beach trip. Another trailer has a version of the "I had a hat like that... then I got a job," line also famous for being found comedy, in use since the '80s. Why not, right? Great call, guys.

- Hah! His little pillow-car beeps when it backs up! Like trucks do! But it's not a truck, you see, it's a...

You've seen this joke before, too, in various sitcoms and films. An actual funny take on the premise is George from "Seinfeld" attempting to work "beep beep" into a conversation, to get Jerry to back the story up, and getting called out on it. A moment far funnier than this entire film. Oh, and one written over ten years ago. Those Foster Farms chickens are right, who needs freshness? Those chickens, by the way? Also funnier than this movie. A full list of things funnier than this movie is impossible but would contain: Tucker Carlson, forks, malaria, stab wounds to the eye, paper, paper cuts and the letter G.

I can't go on. The muscles in my body responsible for cringing have collapsed from over exertion.


This shit movie has a price on its head. The bounty is out. 20 BUCKS! Mailed personally to you from SG headquarters. Claim it if you dare.






TheCoolerKing looks forward to the inevitable comparison of Mike Myers' success and bankroll with his own, comment from an unfunny fellow with a poor mastery of the caps lock.

Or, what passes for Indy these days. That may seem harsh but, yeah, he's not the man he was in his prime. But, somehow, shockingly, despite that creaky trailer... Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn't awful. It's kind of fun. And easily in the "not horrendous" category. Bravo. Maybe it was my lowered expectations but, yeah, not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Still, there were some moments that really came close to sucking, no doubt thanks to the non-writing, writer of the film, Goerge Lucas. Fucking A. Ah well, here's what I learned, good and bad.

***SPOILERS***



****COOL?****



***OKAYHEREWEGO*****


1) Black leather "greaser" jackets are laughable. Like, they no longer work when used to convey "cool." Or even as basic apparel. Maybe when Brando went with it. Maybe it had some luster years later when the Fonz threw it on. But not now and not when set in the '50s. It's hokey.

This goes for the real world too. A million cheeseball agents are in fact, wrong.

2) Shia LaBeouf is a tool. Well, I didn't technically learn it in this movie, but it was confirmed. And it's not that he even does a horrible job. He's fine here. But, also a tool. How do I know that, since his acting his fine? Just a sense.

3) George Lucas' insistence on shoving cute animals down our throats in every movies he touches is out of control. Fucking ewoks-- I mean prairie dogs. God damn I was ready for them to start dancing like the gopher at the end of Caddyshack. Ahh and then the monkeys. Close-ups of adorable CGI monkey doing hilarious things, not needed at all in this movie.

4) Harrison Ford is surprisingly jacked up for a man of 65. He's takes his shirt off at one point and is kinda huge. I'm not sure what my point is, but, yeah, he's a force. Which makes the fact that Shia is supposed to be a tough guy and yet, is completely dwarfed by Ford, kinda hard to swallow.

5) Every single ancient temple shown on film will eventually explode. Often after you solve it's mystic riddle but sometimes even when you do something simple like move an idol or grab a torch.

6) Even Spielberg (or Lucas?) isn't above occasionally borrowing an awesome technique for killing a guy onscreen. In this case, the blowgun reversal trick seen first in "Young Sherlock Homes." I thought Spielberg had a hand in that one which would mean he stole from himself but, according to my half-assed Google search, that's not the case.

7) A photograph of Sean Connery conveys more depth and weight and does a better job acting in this movie than the actual Cate Blanchett.

8) The "Crystal Skull" is the worst prop in movie history. Really, how much did this thing cost to make? It looked like a lucite ball filled with crumpled saran wrap. Bill Murray's bowling ball from Kingpin had more wonder to it.

9) It was awesome and quite refreshing to see Indy, or any aging male star, finally date/hook-up with/romance someone close to his own age.

Sure, it was undercut somewhat by the fact that in real life Ford is dating someone close to 30 years his junior, but hey, at least there's finally a film version we can applaud.




TheCoolerKing is excited for the great and once again dominant, Wanderlei Silva!

The SG community is no stranger to the works of Chuck Palahniuk. The term "Suicide Girl," after all, is credited to one of Palahniuk's books, Survivor. "Thank God someone has benefited from the Internet," Palahniuk said of SG. "It's not just eBay and Amazon. Somebody has made a name that's not just monetary but a cultural icon."

Cultural icon has a nice ring to it, and surely Palahniuk himself falls into the same category. For the generation that came of age and entered adulthood during Fight Club's choke hold on popular culture in the late '90s, the book was a sounding board for everything we hated about middle class complacency. It was more than a book, it was a call to arms, inspiring a whole new crop of Marla Singers and Tyler Durdens.

But for those already deep within the pages of Palahniuk's world before Brad Pitt entered into the equation, books like Survivor and Invisible Monsters were the cult favorites we devoured with an insatiable curiosity for the disturbing, twisted lives Palahniuk brought to print.

After the success that David Fincher's film adaptation of Fight Club brought Palahniuk in 1999, the author went on to release Choke (2001), Lullaby (2002), Diary (2003), Haunted (2005), and Rant (2007) to mixed reviews. Some loved 'em, some hated 'em, but certainly no one could ignore them.

Palahniuk's newest offering, Snuff, is of a pornographic nature and hits shelves May 20.

According to Random House, Inc:

To get you in the mood, the fine folks over at Palahniuk's official site have released a new promo video for the book.

Some of you already have the Snuff release date marked on your calendar. For the others, what do you think about the "under-acknowledged presence of pornography in contemporary life"?

Oh no! A massive, planet-wide catastrophic event has crippled society. And, look, over there, here comes another massive, planet-wide catastrophic event! I hope it doesn't cripple society too! Oh shit, it did? Ghah...

Not since the twin artistic triumphs of first Deep Impact and then Armageddon have two similarly themed movies gone head to head at the box office. Well, not exactly head to head. What's the phrase for when one person goes, they keep score, and then the other person goes? Well, that's what happened in '98, and what's happening here.

The major difference being, these movies don't look atrocious. First out of the gate, the Mark Walberg starring, M. Night Shyamalan directed, The Happening.



Perhaps the most unrealistic aspect of the trailer happens in the opening seconds when Wahlberg mentions having read something in The New York Times. Highly unlikely. I guess we can rule out him using a Method Acting technique. Do puff pieces on yourself and the sports page count?

I picture the first take, "I was eating The New York Times today--" CUT! M. Night pulling him aside, "Mark, actually, you read papers, you read them, okay? You don't eat them. Ready to try it again?"

To sum up the trailer, some sort of biological attack ruins life for the rest of us. This being an M. Night film, I'm going to take a few stabs at guessing the twist ending.

- The attacks aren't actually happening on Earth, but rather, Earth 2. A planet nearly indistinguishable from ours in every way but one: in that world, Mark Wahlberg doesn't get to be in movies. He really is an obscure grade school teacher. Nice place, I bet.

- People aren't really dying, they're sleeping, and will soon wake up refreshed and revitalized, with a cure for society's ills and a new appreciation for Lady in the Water.

- It's a dream. In a dream. The end is just quick cut of 50 people waking up in a cold sweat, finally stopping at a golden robot in the year 3089 who then gets up and eats breakfast. This robot, of course, is played by M. Night.

This looks good, and I do like Night's previous films, but c'mon -- if you can point to one believable, well delivered Wahlberg-line in that entire trailer I'll eat my Unbreakable DVD.

Next up, Blindness starring Juliane Moore. Based on my second favorite book of all-time, Blindness. Written by the top-notch, none can compare genius that is Jose Saramago. Yeah, I'm a big fan, so this is definitely a biased take on the trailer. And as is the case with people who like a book perhaps a bit too much and then have to wade through an hour and a half long movie version, I'm kinda nervous.

Do I risk tarnishing the memory of the book? Will I not be able to reread the book withought picturing Ms. Moore and that super-handsome dude from that other thing I can't think of? I know people say, "Relax, just enjoy the movie as a separate thing," but it doesn't always work like that. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is a phenomenal book, but when I think about it, I can't help but picture McMurphy as the in-no-way large or intimidating Jack Nicholson.

Ignore it completely? That seems impossible, too. Fucking choices... they really stink.

Here it is:



It does look good. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's no way it can match the book.

So many questions. Which disaster movie starring people who were in Boogie Nights will America choose? Are people sick of M. Night? What would suck worse, blindness or having Mark Wahlberg as your teacher? Who knows, I'm just glad Saramago's The Cave is safe. No one's fucking making a movie about an old man's gentle reluctance to move into a shitty mall-complex.




TheCoolerKing is the shittiest driver in Liberty City

Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. That was the seemingly insane story months ago and I recall it being mentioned here with some amusement. However, as it turns out, he doesn't actually rap on the album. Ghah! Damn you, music gods! Why must you be so fickle! How dare you tease then not deliver such an atrocious bounty!

Cosby merely produces the album because, in his words:

While Bill rapping as Bill would've been a delightful trainwreck, I sincerely believe Bill rapping as Fat Albert had a twenty-percent shot of being legit good.

This close call caused me to think of other atrocious rap-missteps. Not of the intentional, overly played and unfunny, "rapping granny" variety... but sincere, heartfelt attempts to step into the genre.

Who better to start with than Gwyneth Paltrow? Perhaps the only context so unbelievable as to force you to ask the question, "That Gwyneth Paltrow?" Yes.

Sure, like Bill she doesn't actually rap, and rather, sang the chorus. But on the other hand, she's fuckin' Gwyneth Paltrow! Onstage. With Jay-Z. Making music.

I'll second the "historic" part. When you've got Gwyneth-fucking-Paltrow performing at a Jay-Z concert and she isn't even the least credible person on stage, you've got something epic. Fucking Coldplay guy? Was Michael Buble not around? Why not just a giant vagina statue that sheds tears loudly? They're all around the same spot on the testosterone-meter, right?

Moving down the list... or up? I can't tell which direction we're going. Let's just say, moving along. We find the following offering from Dee Dee Ramone. Is this made worse due to the Ramones' rock dominance? Or worse? Again, who can tell?

At least the prior two had connections to making music (Paltrow sang in a movie) and/or played instruments. The next guy did not. (Please, no jokes about the skin flute.) Yes, it's Ron Jeremy's hip-hop album, titled Unwrapped. He only appears to rap on two tracks, though worry not, the majority of the rest of them appear to be written about his penis and are performed by other rappers. Sort of odd, considering the much documented homophobia of the rap world. Despite looking, I wasn't able to find a sample. However, I'm going to assume after a second or two of him rapping you'll be begging for the now, relatively pleasant sounds of him grunting his way through a money-shot.

Next, we have a guy who plays a "rapper pro-wrestler" character deciding to go one further and make a rap album. His piledriver was more legit and Hillbilly Jim had more street cred, but that didn't stop WWE's John Cena from engaging in the following fake rap battle. Really, don't even bother clicking, it's just gonna ruin your next ten minutes...

Finally, we have the ill-advised rap debut from Axl Rose himself, off of Use Your Illusion II... an album otherwise pretty awesome. Here's a YouTube clip, somehow, made no worse at all by the presence of a generic Internet weirdo singing along.

Looks like we're 0 for five, and likely worse, as I've probably missed many terrible examples of this inane sub-genre. Let this be a warning, and let's let this trend end here.




TheCoolerKing is New York bound

The A-Team was my favorite prime time show growing up. More action packed than "Knight Rider", less lame super-copter based than "Air-Wolf" and, unfortunately, less immediately canceled than "Manimal".

The show had, in all likelihood, the greatest theme song/opening credit sequence of the '80s. It explained the premise, shot up a logo with bullets and then gave you 15 explosions.

It featured one of the coolest variations on the rag-tag yet somehow super elite fighting force, certainly one of the best ever on TV.

And, I'll say this, the show kinda holds up. I don't mean in some ironic way, either.

Every single episode followed the following formula, and it worked like a charm: Innocents are preyed upon by bad men. Innocents reach out to mythical crack commando squad, only to meet a dead end but, aha! actually the dead end was their leader in disguise. Commando squad humbles bad men, then gets trapped by bad men in a room fully stocked with items that are easily turned into weapons. Commandos defeat bad guys and narrowly evade the one-step-behind US government.

The bad men reached across all genres, too. Small-time mobsters, cattle barons, drug dealers, evil tow truck companies, Asian mobsters, farmers, etc. Everything short of space aliens.

A highlight for me would be the inevitable point when B.A. Baracus (Mr. T!), the muscle of the group, would square off against the opposing team's equally beefed-up thug. It would usually be a guy who closely resembled B.A. body-wise but was another ethnicity. Or another black guy but sans mohawk. Giant muscled Asian guy, giant muscled redneck, giant muscled samoan guy...

This fellow was usually introduced when "Face" or "Murduck" would attempt to take him on, after dispatching many lesser foes, only to hurt their hand on his barrel chest. At which point B.A. would step in and the real fight would begin. Often culminating in another show trademark, the from below, slow-motion shot of a man being hurled through the air and, typically, into a window.

Now all that glorious magic is back:

Were this Michael Bay or some similar shitheel I'd be concerned but John Singleton of Boyz n the Hood could do a top-notch job here. With the right cast. Here's the way I think it should go.

The A-Team

John "Hannibal" Smith - The team's calm, super-cool leader, a brilliant tactician, colonel and master of disguise. That's right, only a master could play both an unconvincing elderly Asian man and climb into a Godzilla costume. Played by the great George Pepard.

Who it should be: George Clooney (who was once rumored to be involved) or Nathan Fillion... And just a second ago I had a flash of a prime Tommy Lee Jones doing an impossibly amazing job...

Who they'll get: Tough to say, hopefully Clooney


Templeton Peck aka "Faceman" Handsome, fast talking, con man with a way with the ladies. Often given demanding missions along the lines of "procuring a jet engine from a deserted farmhouse" which he'd accomplish by donning fake glasses and kissing a girl.

Who it should be: "Sawyer" from LOST seems obvious, probably because he's a con man, but he's fictional so it might be hard to get him. Jude Law if he did this kind of film. I'm tempted to say Brad Pitt, but I'll go with Matthew McConaughey.

Who they'll get: Vince Vaughn


B.A. Baracus The muscle. The guy who kicks most of the asses as well as the resident mechanic. I mean, we've all seen Mr.T, right? Like that.

Who it should be: Ice Cube has been rumored for this part but I don't like it. He's awesome but too old, too small. I thought about former Cube co-star Terry Crewes, but he's a bit too comic. I'll go with the the sleek, scaled down bad-assery of Gbenga Akinnagbe aka Chris Partlow from The Wire. Whoa.

Who they'll get: This dude in a "fake muscles" t-shirt.


"Howling Mad" Murdock The literally insane "wildman" who also provided pilot duties. Played by Dwight Schulz, who still seems to turn up on things.

Who it should be: James Callis (Baltar) from Battlestar Galactica. Cause he'd be great and because it'd be nice to have someone from a version of Battlestar in both versions of the A-Team. Or maybe Will Arnett.

Who they'll get: Adrien Brody or Jim Carrey





Yes, like you, TheCoolerKing loves it when a plan comes together

Why did those seven castaways spend 15 years on that uncharted desert isle? Maybe they were too stoned to give up finding new uses for coconuts.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...

The actress was arrested in her home state of Idaho back on October 18th, while on her way home from a surprise birthday party. Wells had been pulled over by party-pooping Teton County Deputy Joseph Gutierrez, who noticed the tiny ship, uh, car was doing a little swerving.

What a buzzkill, huh? He must've been a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Now, back to the title of this little celebrity cannabis number...

Why the "Part 2," you ask? Because of the link between this story, Wells and the "extracurricular activities" of Gilligan himself, the late Bob Denver.

Jeez, first Moses, now Mary Ann...who will end up third in the SG Newswire Drug Story Trifecta? My money's on Thomas Edison. You'd have to be on something to come up with the light bulb. You heard it here first, kids.

thefreak always prefered Mary Ann over Ginger, despite his love of redheads. The fact she's a fan of the ganja pretty much clinches it.