I love comic books. I've been into them my entire life, have spent hours reading and thinking about them, have even felt nostalgia for books I read as a kid that I rediscovered as an adult. Yup, fucking love them.

What? Huh?! Uh, I mean, not like love love them. Uhh, maybe I don't even read them, now that I think about it. I meant I love US Weekly or something.

Holy shit. It's really come to this? Sir, please, you're not making it any easier for the rest of us to enjoy comics. You're ruining it. I mean, if anyone was gonna see your side of things it'd be a comic loving -- err, I mean "liking" guy like me. And I don't.

The marriage on the decline part is sad, and made me rethink just ignorantly mocking this story as I normally would. But, uh, I think that ship may've sailed. Once someone says aloud "Yeah, I really like that She-Hulk character... In fact, I think I'd maybe like to MAKE HER MY ACTUAL LIVING BRIDE, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD AND TO CHERISH FOREVER."

Once that sentiment hits the Internet I'm not sure the floodgates have much of a shot at holding back the wave of mockery on its way.

Alright.

(wipes brow) Whew! Relax guys, it's cool. For a second I thought he was a little out there, hah, but no, he's cool. He's not ACTUALLY thinking he could live in a two-dimensional world like some nut-ball, merely saying that he and his paper covered in shades of color should be allowed to marry in the eyes on the government. See?

Nerds have never been more popular or widely accepted than they are now. Comic books are thriving, comic-based movies are huge business, geeks walk freely, out in the open proudly geeking out about zombies and manga and sci-fi... THIS GUY IS JEOPARDIZING ALL OF THAT. He may single-handedly usher in a new era of jock-dom. Nerds once again cowering, running from the cleated-boot of thick-headed, sports-loving idiocy once again. Ghaaahh, you stupid fool, we had it all!! What'd you have to go and try to marry that comic for!?

No, what you mean is, "I've never been in love with a person" and "I currently love a thing." I'm sorry, there's no way around it. Stop rolling that comic up and trying to fuck it. Leave it alone. It's for your eyeballs only. No, not like that, stop undressing it with your eyeballs!

This sentence threatens the very fabric of our reality. Please, someone, un-make it. Before we all die.

It would really suck to wake up to a world where fictional characters had the right to marry and gays didn't... Allllthough, maybe this is some precedent changing loop-hole for gay characters like Northstar and Hulkling, etc. to be able to marry? Maybe that's how it would finally happen? Nah, some other wack-job, from whatever passes for Alaska in Japan, would emerge trying to take away the rights of ficitional gay characters to marry.

Hey, look! It's the sanest person in this story. Good for you.

I urge you to vote NO on whatever number they give this thing. Meanwhile, I'm readying for the coming, inevitable comic book backlash...

Uhhh, just in case, if it DOES go through, I totally call Emma Frost!

TheCoolerKIng's column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for further reading. He's also doing this: HowToBeatUpAnything