Obama is going with tax cuts. Well, that didn’t take long. Obama’s already working his compromise promise –– except right now compromise on the economy could send us spiraling into a depression, if we aren’t already there. Remember all those tax cuts under Bush? Didn’t everything turn out awesome? Did you spend, spend, spend your six hundred dollars last year? Cram that shit back into the economy and get it rolling again? How did that go? Now Obama’s going to compromise on his stimulus package and instead of spending 100% on infrastructure, he’s going to give 40% back in tax cuts. That leaves 60% for infrastructure. Fail.

I know, Obama promised we’d get tax cuts. And that’s fine –– just not at the expense of public investment stimulus plan. We need to stop the hemorrhaging of jobs now. Actually, yesterday. We need to invest in our infrastructure immediately. Compromising with the ideologically driven Republicans who got us into this mess is not the way to go. Compromising to the tune of 40% is just plain moronic.

We are sitting on the edge of a cliff right now. We need to go with what will give us the biggest bang for our buck and it turns out infrastructure spending is top o’the list.



Hey, look at that. Oh, and that chart was created by Mark Zandi, a Republican.

Obama wants to get 80 Senators on board for his stimulus plan. 80. That’s beyond compromise, especially when you control the Senate by a wide margin. This is half-assed leadership. This is weak leadership. This is not impressive.

Well, thank God. I mean, they got us here, so let’s keep doing what they want. This 40% plan is BEFORE Obama has worked with the Republicans. He is going in offering 40%. Has anyone seen the Republicans operate over the past 20 years? Anyone? Usually one would start out low and negotiate from there. I expect this to end up with around 99% tax cuts, based on Democratic spinelessness. It’s exactly what we can’t afford right now.

So, that’s not good. Not good at all. We need jobs. Tax cuts to businesses trying to survive aren’t going to produce jobs. It may keep some more people employed, but it won’t create new jobs. Not in this economy. Giving businesses money to rebuild the infrastructure would create new jobs. But, no, let’s go with more discredited, obviously wrong, eternally failing, supply side economics.

The Bush economy, with these types of tax cuts created a 26% increase in Americans living in “extreme poverty.”

Twenty-six fucking percent. So, by all means, more of the same.

Giving money to people without pricing power is useless. The middle class and upper class are holding onto their money right now. They will do the same with the bullshit $500 dollar check they get. But they are only $140 million of the tax cut, the rest goes to businesses. Businesses aren’t going to create new jobs if there isn’t any demand for their fucking products. What retard actually believes that is going to happen?

Anyone notice what went down when we gave billions to the banking industry over the past few months? They laid people off and bought up competitors –– then laid off those employees. Wow, what an enormous success.

God forbid we actually use the stimulus money to rebuild our country. Hey, how about we increase our Internet speeds so we aren’t 10 times slower than everyone else in the world? How about some high-speed trains? How about more subways and light rails in cities? Anyone notice traffic is bad? That kind of effects business a bit. How about we do something about the nations electrical grid? Our country needs a massive overhaul and now is the time to do it. And guess what? We can actually put people back to work at the same time.

Or we can just hand people a check and keep doing exactly what we did to get us here. We can ignore the fact that our economy hasn’t been working for quite some time for the vast majority of Americans. We can ignore the fact that the FIRE economy is pretty much a massive failure and avoid the inevitable: A complete and total restructuring of our economy. We can keep giving away tax cuts, so people will spend money the same way they have been and keep going down this dark road of doom.

We’ve basically tax cutted ourselves into a depression, so why stop now. We’re not getting any return on our tax cuts and haven’t been for quite some time. Obama calling for 40% of his stimulus plan is a disaster.

The new boss is giving in to the pathetic old boss.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, here we are again. It is a new year and there are still Asshole Fuckfaces running around, doing horrible things to good people. I will continue to seek them out and drag them into the light for you to mock. It’s my job. I get paid in puppies. So, let’s kick off the New Year with some truly horrible Asshole Fuckfaces. Put on your best rubber tuxedo because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ah, Harry Reid –– maybe the best Republican in Congress. He’s an utterly useless piece of shit. This week pro-life Harry announced he would bar newly appointed Illinois Senator Roland Burris from the Senate –– with armed guards if necessary. See, Burris can’t be allowed to dirty the floor of the Senate because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich appointed him. Yes, Harry Reid has finally drawn a line in the sand.

He didn’t do it when Karl Rove and Harriet Miers refused to honor subpoenas. He didn’t do it when Bush nominated the insane right wing lunatic Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Warrantless wiretapping? No can do. Joe Lieberman turning a blind eye to Bush corruption as the Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee? Whatevs. Give Ted Stevens a standing ovation after he was convicted of 7 felonies? Hell yes.

Maybe before Reid draws this tough guy line, he should actually check with some law peeps to find out whether denying Burris is even legal. Many say it is not. Either way, Harry Reid wouldn’t know which battle to pick if one was raping his wife and another was making him a pie.

And there was more Burris appointment Asshole Fuckfacery.

It came immediately from Illinois Representative Bobby Rush. According to Bobby, Burris should be allowed to take the seat –– because he’s black.

Well, yeah. Let’s just fill that seat based on skin color. That’s an awesome way to run things.

Fuck yeah. Chill your shit out. Burris is black. How do you not get that? Please ignore the constant losing of elections he's been doing over the years and his advanced age. He's perfect.

Well, hello colorful and unnecessary language. But, yes, let’s not “lynch” the black guy. And let’s not forget what Rush had to say before Blago picked a black guy.

“Heinous.” Then suddenly, not heinous. Hey, what changed?

It’s really hard to chose who is worse in this situation, Reid or Rush. It’s like Burris is caught up in an Asshole Fuckface sandwich.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface with a bottle.

The Democrats are chalk full of win this week. Incoming New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate is fresh off an election victory and looking forward to serving the good people of New York. Dude is a former Marine and served 12 years in the NYPD before getting a psychological disability pension. Uh oh.

But wait! He’s all good because he got rid of his Thetans! Yes, Monserrate is a scientologist.

So, he’s a Scientologist, and an ex-Marine and was a cop for 12 years. Totally normal. As is trying to remove your girlfriend’s face with a broken bottle.

Oh, man. You are totally not clear. You should head back down to the Scientology center to get rid of your Asshole Fuckfaceness.

Oh, and it was an "accident."

And finally, big, fat, sloppy Israeli Asshole Fuckfacing.

Well, the spectacular fail of the continuing Israeli attack on Gaza is truly something to watch. Nothing like seeing pictures of bloody, dead children to bring the world around to your side.

Yes, I know, Hamas has been shooting rockets they can’t aim at Israel and it is a fucked up situation. But the response isn’t exactly showing the world that Israel is better. Right now, Israel looks like a bigger, better-armed terrorist organization.

Let me see if I can get this straight: Hamas would kill any Israeli if they could, whether that Jew is a mother, father or child. So, an attack on Gaza is a good move, because now people all over the world are watching Israel kill mothers, fathers and children. And hey, that should really bring the Palestinians around. No, I totally get it. Hamas has said they will kill innocents, so you have to kill innocents to stop the killing of innocents. Look, I totally get it. It’s obviously a fool proof plan. I don’t know what could go wrong.

This should totally wrap everything up. Now Israeli’s can justify their attack because of Hamas’ intentions and Hamas supporters can justify their hatred because of the dead children and women. It’s a win win!

But let’s not forget the true fault lies with George Bush and Condoleezza Rice. They are the ones who pushed for elections in Palestine that put Hamas in control of Gaza. This is more George Bush Asshole Fuckfacery.

How surprising.

And good luck to Israel in their attempt to create more terrorists. It seems to be going well so far.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For those of you who haven’t been following, Obama chose shocking asshole and homophobe Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Many have explained to those who are offended that they have no right to be upset because this is a move of inclusion. They say Obama is reaching across the aisle. It’s about bipartisanship. It’s about him being a president to everybody. Uh, yeah. If you believe that you are one stupid motherfucker.

Obama, of course, gave his usual response. We’ve really all got to work together and come to an understanding and agree to disagree. Yes. Also, bigots are fine. The one problem with Obama’s comments Ñ aside from the shocking hypocrisy Ñ is that they can’t stand up to one simple argument: Would he invite a racist to give the invocation? No? Why not? They’re many racists in this country who deserve to be included in this administration. They are, after all, Americans. We really should reach out to the racists. How will we come together as a country if we don’t?

But he would do no such thing, because racists are bad, while gay haters are okey-dokey. That’s the message Obama has sent with this decision. And they just won’t shut the fuck up about it. Biden opened his clam hole yesterday.

Anyone think he meant homophobes? Really? Did you think he meant racists? No, of course not. Just homophones. Got it.

And he divided us further. It only serves to remind one group of people Ñ the ones who were left out of the victory on November 4th, the ones who were told they were less than by more than one state, the ones who are simmering with anger that they really don’t matter, that they are not part of the equation. Obama doesn’t have to reach over to that side of the aisle because he’s sitting there.

Let’s not pretend like Barack Obama supports gay marriage. He does not. That’s why proponents of Prop 8 were able to use his words in ads supporting the ban. Many seem to think Obama is for gay marriage but can’t say so because of the political climate. Bullshit. He has said he is not and that is where the truth lies.

And I get the inclusion thing. Look, Barack wants to work with all people. He wants to bring us together. Why, just take a look at these inclusive words.

Oops, my bad. He was talking about Reverend Wright. Sorry, I get confused when figuring out which religious guy is bad and which is good. Comparing gays to pedophiles is not using “words that degrade individuals” and obviously has a “place in our public dialogue.”

Obviously, he is a horrible man. Rick Warren, on the other hand, is fine. All he does is stuff like urge the assassination of foreign leaders and compare gay marriage to incest. No wait, this speech was given during the election, so it doesn't count, right? That was only for political reasons, but now he's being himself. Is that it?

Obama has picked someone George W. Bush would have picked. This is no different; this is not change in any way shape or form. There are a shitload of pastors who make respectful, civil arguments against gay marriage and abortion and a litany of other fucked up views. I disagree with them, but at least their opinions are not disgusting. Obama didn’t go that way. He went with a guy who couldn’t be more of a hateful fuck when it comes to gays. He picked a guy, who up until yesterday had a web page up that said gays were not welcome at his church. That’s how we disagree without being disagreeable Ñ by finding the guy who uses the most disagreeable language possible. A guy whose views are simply heinous.

But, yeah, America needs this kind of asshole to feel like he is a part of things because guys like him have been feeling so powerless for so long. Oh, woes the mega church pastor. Gay people, on the other hand, have been experiencing WAY too much inclusion and power for too long. Oh, wait; Obama let them have a marching band at the inauguration. Guys like Warren used the exact same type of language when they made arguments against interracial marriage and they didn’t stop because they were included. They stopped because they were shamed, as God intended.

Obama’s “inclusiveness” is no different than the Congressional Democrats “compromises.” It is never to the left, only to the right. I had a very tiny bit of hope that Obama would be a better president than Clinton, but that hope is dying as I watch his administration take shape and the choices he makes. I'm not surprised, given Obama's FISA vote, which was an ugly indicator of things to come. Clinton courted the right on matters of business and America paid the price with deregulation and cuts to social services. Now Obama looks to pick up the torch, but with one difference, he’s going to court the right on social issues.

And that is where the danger lies. Because by including these bigots from the right in this government, you are leaving out a large group of people. The religious fanatics do not do inclusion. They do exclusion.

Obama is courting “Non-negotiable” Warren. There are those you work with to get things done and those you don’t. These are the people you don’t, unless of course, you have an entirely different agenda. Maybe you just want to stay in power, so giving in to the evangelicals makes sense. Maybe next time around Obama can have Pat Robertson give the invocation.

And make no mistake about it; this is a very important honor. This ups Warren’s profile and nudges him towards becoming America’s new spiritual leader. Many have made an argument that some evangelicals do not like Warren because he invited Obama into his church. No, shit, dumbfuck. Obama’s not trying to peel off the very right evangelicals, he’s going for the young ones who follow Warren. And in doing so, he is tossing gay Americans off the boat. It is a shockingly divisive move.

This is another sign of the end for liberals having any sort of say in this government. This is marginalization. It’s been going on for some time, especially with our current Congress, but now Democrats have an Obama to go along with their Reid and Pelosi party. The religious right took over the Republican Party and now they have their sights on the Democratic Party and Obama is going to open the door wide.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Saturday. This is the day the Lord set aside for good people, like myself, to point out and mock horrible people, like Steve Guttenberg. In churches and other holy sites, it is known as Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. In a perfect world, there are no Asshole Fuckfaces and the movie Twilight was never made, but the world is not perfect, so I must do what I must do. I spend the week scouring the news for the worst of the worst and then I drag them into the light for all to see. This week was a gloriously shocking week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put wrap yourself in your couch slipcover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some new president Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take Barack Obama long to make the Roundup, did it? This week Obama thought it would be a great idea to choose Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Super.

Rick Warren is just one of many hateful, horrible pastors who preach ignorance and stupidity on a daily basis. Warren is from the Saddleback mega church in Orange County, California. He strongly supported Prop 8, is against stem cell research, compares abortion to the Holocaust, he just gave George W. Bush an “International Medal of P.E.A.C.E.” and has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, polygamy and incest.

Gay people are told they are not welcome at his church on his website.



There is no excuse for Obama picking this Asshole Fuckface to give the invocation. I know, he’s reaching out to people. Specifically, he’s reaching out to hateful douchebags. But Obama says Rick Warren invited him to speak at Saddleback in August, so why not have Warren speak at the inauguration? I mean, a church and America are totally the same thing. And spitting in the face of a few million supporters can only help, right?

Hey, let’s also make sure to invite some anti-Semites and racists to take part in the inauguration. I mean, we need to agree to disagree about you being less than human, do we not Barack?

And for those of you morons thinking I feel betrayed by Barack Obama, you couldn’t be more off. This is why I didn’t support him strongly. He is far from a liberal. But compared to John McCain, he’s the greatest president of all time. But John McCain would have also invited Rick Warren to give the invocation, so who’s to say?

Next up, some judicial Asshole Fuckfacery.

Have you heard of the splendid Asshole Fuckface Bernard Madoff? He was the mastermind behind a massive fraud scheme, one of the biggest in history.

On Thursday, Asshole Fuckface US Magistrate Judge Gabriel Gorenstein put Madoff under house arrest. Exactly how much money does one have to steal before they are placed in jail without bail? Maybe it’s $100 billion.

Oh, no. Not the houses in Montauk and Palm Beach! Why so cruel? And a 7 p.m. curfew? Why not just kill the man? Can you imagine being trapped in your penthouse around dinner time every night? It’s so horrible, I can barely read it.

This is a splendid example of everything that is wrong with our country.

Next up, some horrible corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

In 2007, Misty Ann Weaver realized she was in a bit of a spot. Weaver was a nurse for a plastic surgeon and she had not completed some paperwork in a timely fashion. So, she took most obvious course of action: She set a fire.

The entire office building sort of caught on fire and three people died of smoke inhalation. Did you notice they didn’t die from the hot, hot flames? Nope, they died from smoke. So, obviously, the insurance company shouldn’t have to pay, because, you know, smoke from a fire is now “pollution.”

Creative! And very Asshole Fuckfacish! The only pollution I see around here is the insurance company. Comedy! BAM! POW! SOCK! WHAM!

Finally, some awesome child rearing Asshole Fuckfacery.

I, FearTheReaper, will be a father in May. I plan on calling my child Dangerous Top Reaper, because I want him to have a great future. My thought process is similar to that of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who gave their children wonderful futures by naming them JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

I totally get Adolf and Aryan Nation, but Honzlynn Hinler? Seriously? What nickname do you go with? Honz? Wrong. Just wrong.

The children’s names came to the national media’s attention because the local Shop Rite wouldn’t make a birthday cake for Adolph Hitler.

Hmmm. You are sort of missing something there. Although, the Campbell’s seem totally reasonable.

Good luck poking a hole in that argument.

It is a bit shocking. When you name your child after a man who killed 6 million people, you don’t expect all the hubbub.

Um.

No shit, bro. Hitler was so 1940s. Also, you named your son after HITLER.

Exactly, it’s not fair to your children. Ahem.

Waiting.

Not fair. Children. Name.

Anything?

Hello?

Go ask Rapey McGee. His life has been a bitch.

Of course. Hitler would be so proud. Wait, maybe he is.

Oh, God, make it stop.

Well, sure. I'm not seeing anything to make me think otherwise.

And no worries, Wal-Mart made the cake.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

So long newspapers. You guys were great. I really appreciated all you did. Where would I be without you? Huh? I’d be one stupid asshole. And where would the hobos be? Cold, that’s where. Very cold. In the 30s, newspapers were known as “Hoover blankets” because President Hoover made some awesomely lame decisions and newspapers were all people had to keep warm. Unfortunately, it’s looking more and more like people won’t be able to use newspapers and call them Bush blankets for this depression, mostly because newspapers are dying. Revenue this year is down 20%.

This week, the Detroit Free Press and the Detroit News announced they will offer home delivery only on Thursday, Friday and (Free Press only) Sunday. That’s two days a week for the News and three times a week for the Free Press. Last week the New York Times announced it was borrowing…

The Tribune Company, which owns the L.A. Times and the Chicago Tribune, filed for bankruptcy. The company also owns 10 other newspapers. They are not worth mentioning because they are not in giant, awesome cities. So goes life, small people in small places.

The Washington Post went with an "executive pay freeze."

Newsweek has decided to make their magazine smaller. How great does that sound? Not only is the weekly magazine completely useless in the Internet age, but it’s going to be smaller.

Well, it sounds like it’s going to be more idiot friendly, with all the pictures and whatnot. It’s cute to see them give it a go. Magazines are fucking toast. I’ve canceled all my subscriptions, but one. Can’t give up my Harpers yet, but that day will come.

Much of this is occurring quickly because of the recession. Companies aren’t buying ads and newspapers kind of make their money from ads. I heard that from a guy. Maybe this will just make their deaths quicker. There is no reason to buy a newspaper in this day and age, except for those who like their fingers to turn black. By the time a newspaper arrives at my house, I know the news. Weird thing is, I get my news from newspapers online. Uh, oh. There seems to be some sort of catch-22 here.

How in the hell are newspapers going to survive if read them online, instead of buy them? I don’t think I have ever clicked on an L.A. Times ad. Ever. I don’t click any ads online. I have Adblock and I rarely see an ad that interests me. Porn ads are nice. They give me boners. Just a tip, L.A. Times!

TV advertising will clearly have to move towards product placement more and more. Maybe newspapers can toss in a little product placement here and there.

Okay, while I would enjoy that it would be wrong. Pay per post advertising is being done, but it won’t fly in newspapers. They already tried pay-for-online-subscriptions. People didn’t bite. The New York Times attempted to charge for a better-than-the-rest-of-the-newspaper-section. Nobody went for it and they stopped. Now this is not to say there aren’t quite a few different ways to advertise on the web: Pay-per-page view banners, pay-per-click text ads, pay-per-transaction ads, paid inclusion in search results, paid listing in information services and pay-per-connection on social networks. They work; they just bring in less than charging readers to buy a paper and charging advertisers to put ads in that paper. That shit is done.

Oh, and I can’t leave out the classifieds. That was a $326 million business. Now Craigslist is the big dog and the site only made $40 million in 2006. That’s a drop of 88%.

Okay, so here we are. Expect every newspaper to become a one newspaper town. The L.A. Times has been in talks to merge with both the Orange County newspaper and the San Fernando newspaper. Then it will spread. Soon San Diego will join in the fun. And on and on. Fewer and fewer papers being printed on fewer and fewer days. We’re going to end up with a couple of national papers and that’s it. But that’s the physical paper. What about the Internet?

That’s what worries me. Even though our media largely sucks, we need reporters sneaking around and digging into garbage (I’m pretty sure that’s all they do). Less profit means fewer journalists, which means less keeping an eye on our political bitches. I don’t know about you, but I like my political whores to be under the spotlight. And democracy sort of needs the press to be kicking ass. This could get really grim as more reporters disappear and we end up with more and more…blogs? Oh, my. That would be an ugly future. Imagine if you got all your news from me.

Wait, that is fucking awesome.

Forget everything I just wrote.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, the Republicans sure did fight for their beliefs last week, didn’t they? Quite an impressive move standing up for CEOs during the first bailout, then attacking the workingman during the second bailout. It takes either a huge set of balls or being so distanced from reality that they don’t realize they have once again, decreased their followers. It will certainly backfire, as everything the Republicans do these days seems to.

It is hilariously heinous and a sign of the morally bereft that they would actually claim that Detroit’s autoworkers are paid too much, while also claiming the rich are taxed too much? How fucked up of a human being do you have to hold such fucked up beliefs. They are no better than vermin.

Take the simple minded Tennessee Senator Bob Corker. Bobby believes the horrible unions should accept “parity” with workers from his state. By “parity” he means the workingman should make less, like in his state, where autoworkers of foreign car companies live with discriminatory, anti-labor laws designed to keep wages low. Notice Bob didn’t say this about Wall Street. He failed to mention the insane CEO salaries and ridiculous bonuses of the banking crowd. No, it’s the workingman getting ahead that is dragging our country down. Yes, we need workers to make less money. That is obviously the problem with the auto companies. I can see no other problems. None at all. Other than the horrible unions, the Big 3 put the A in awesome.

So, the answer is to drive down the wage of blue-collar, mostly black workers. Hopefully, at some point, the wages of the workingman in this country will be on par with those in Mexico. Then the companies would really thrive! Hey, Bob, why don’t you make the same as a city councilman in Des Moines? Wouldn’t the federal budget be better off if you Senators weren’t making so much money? Don’t be greedy, Bob. You’re killing your country. Just take the pay cut down to the level of a guy living in a different place, but working in the same business.

Here’s an insane idea: Workers who produce things of value deserve a decent living. I know. It’s like I just wrote the words of Satan. Jesus would be disgusted. It’s also become more and more obvious in the past week that the only way for the workingman to achieve a decent living is through unions. That’s why they exist — because of assholes like Bob Corker.

The auto companies have actually been turning things around. The unions have made quite a few concessions over the past two years and GM, Ford and Chrysler cars are matching the quality of Japanese cars consistently. No excuse can be made for the insane over-production of gas-guzzlers. But the credit crunch is what really killed them, not the unions.

So, why does my headline say this is a massive Republican fail? They blocked the bailout, didn’t they? That will kill the union, won’t it? No.

Bush will bail out the auto companies, mostly because Hoover wouldn’t have. Keeping people employed in times like this is how you avoid a great depression, allowing millions to lose their jobs in this kind of teetering economy is what leads to great depressions. Anyone who knows how to read should understand that. So, Bush will do the right thing and bail out the auto companies — and there will be no strings attached.

Everything the Republicans wanted they will not get. The unions agreed to meet the Republicans demands, but just not in the time frame the Republicans wanted. Now that is gone. There won’t be a “car czar,” there won’t be a plan to place the burden of the bailout on workers, instead of upper management. Basically, Democrats are going to get the auto bailout they wanted from day one. Republicans won’t get shit.

No, actually, that’s not true. They will get something: The loss of support of many, many people in the Midwest whose lives rely on the auto industry. Those people have all watched as southern Republican Senators attempted to protect the interests of foreign-owned auto manufacturers with companies in their states. They watched as Republicans blatantly decided it was more important to blame the workers than the management that had made shitty decisions for years, while they took huge salaries. Republicans have literally come to a place where they are fighting against American manufacturing. That’s an insane stance to take in our country.

The Republicans just withdrew even more into the south. Good luck winning Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota ever again. If they had made a decent, reasonable argument to oppose the bailout, they may have had a chance. But they didn’t. They offered no clear explanation of the dangers of failure. They only attacked the unions. One conservative blogger put it succinctly:

They did not. Because this was not about the economy, or doing what is best for the country. This was about the sticking with exact same rigid ideology that created the Great Depression and stubbornly ignoring the obvious lessons learned from Hoover's and Mellon's tactics. They are literally attempting repeat the exact policies that led to the Great Depression. Next they'll try to balance the budget during this mess, because Hoover was right!

Republicans only attacked the unions. The workingman is under assault, which just happens to be the Republican bread and butter. Democrats won't lose any of their base pursuing the action everyone expects them to take. Republicans will. This was a shockingly stupid political move to say the least.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I love Christmas. Halloween is more fun, but Christmas feels more important. Everything's shut down, everyone just takes some time out. I'm almost surprised when I see people driving around, and I always assume that they're just on their way to some gathering with family or friends. I don't like the idea of anyone trying to do anything productive on Christmas. Take the day, man. Have some nog.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas, however, is a shining little light tucked away in the long, dark, irritating tunnel that is the month leading up to the holiday. (Also, the tunnel plays Christmas music all the time.) That light is the War On Christmas.

Oh, it's like an early present every year. People I suspected of insanity earlier in the year confirm my suspicions and go completely bat-shit over something stupid like "Season's Greetings." Jesus lollerskating Christ, and you people say the liberals are too sensitive.

That said, this year's war had a pretty interesting skirmish. The Washington Legislative Building in Olympia allows for holiday displays, even those of a religious nature. The catch is that they aren't allowed to discriminate, so anyone can put up their little display. The Freedom From Religion Foundation decided to do exactly that.



Oof. That's a little rough. That probably won't get people to think twice about their beliefs. Touchy as they are, they'll be too busy being offended (though, of course, this sign doesn't even distantly imply that they'll be tortured for all eternity for the crime of guessing wrong). As a PR move for atheists, it's probably not that great. As a catalyst to demonstrate the silliness of allowing these sorts of displays in a public building? Oh, it's pretty damn good.

First came the protests.

Hey, good call Reverend. That's why we're not going to listen to the protests. The sign stays.

Republican State Representative Jim Dunn, you had something to add?

Great, thanks for the input.

In a stunning display of religious tolerance, on Friday Dcember 5 the sign was stolen.

It didn't last for twelve hours. That's how crazy people get about Christmas. Mark my words, it won't be long until we see signs reading "CHRISTmas!!" to match the "One Nation, UNDER GOD!!" bumper stickers. Hey, did anyone else notice that the first line of that CNN article says the sign criticizes Christianity? That's weird, I don't remember the sign saying anything about Jesus.

The story doesn't end there, though. I wouldn't waste your time. Everyone's favorite IRL-troll Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church crew have decided to get in on the action. Here's what their sign will say:

Man, that's awesome. Sometimes I'm actually thankful for the Westboro Baptist Church. They illustrate points so well.

Bill Donohue, a crazy bastard who I suspect lures children under bridges and then eats them (and he has yet to prove otherwise) when he's not issuing wacky press releases on behalf of his Catholic League, has some especially confusing logic to explain why he should have freedom of speech, but other people shouldn't.

Yes, he really did follow that first sentence with that second one. Yes, that really does completely contradict his first sentence. No one's speech is being violated by the atheist sign, Bill. You still have your display. Atheists just get to say something, too. That's how freedom of speech works - everyone gets it.

But wait! Everyone? Yes, everyone. That means that they actually do have to put up the Festivus pole. That means that they actually do have to put up the Flying Spaghetti Monster display. This has become a complete circus.

And here's the point. This is why secular government is the way to go. This is why you don't allow nativity scenes on public property. You aren't allowed to discriminate. If you let one group do it, you have to let all the groups do it. The result is exactly what you see. This is one-upmanship run amok. Half the participants are laughing their asses off, the other half are losing their minds, and I can only imagine that Washington's poor governor is buried in a deluge of angry letters from people with delusions of relevance.

Wasn't there some sort of holiday coming up or something?

Asshole Fuckfacing had a good week. The greats of Asshole Fuckfacery would be very, very proud of all the horrible shit that went down. Some weeks I have to scour the news to find the appropriate acts deemed worthy of a spot in the Roundup. But not this week. It was raining Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your favorite animal pelt, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some outgoing presidential Assholery Fuckacery.

Ah, the horrible George W. Bush. Remember the Endangered Species Act? Well, it has had its spine removed by Georgy.

Wow. That sounds almost like there is no Endangered Species Act anymore.

Yes! Look to the future. Oil! No animals! That’s some forward thinking.

Kiss the polar beat goodbye, bitches. Although, the polar bears totally deserve it for supporting Bush in 2000 AND 2004.

Next up, if I say “Utah,” you say“ Asshole Fuckface."

As far as gay hating goes, Utah is tops in the nation. They more prefer dudes marrying hundreds of women, instead. Currently, a whopping 14 out of 40 Utah school districts allow “Gay Straight Alliance” clubs. So, the gay kids in the other 26 districts have to pretend like they are not gay. A lawsuit recently forced Salt Lake City's East High School to allow a Gay Straight Alliance club. Something about “federal equal protection laws” or some shit. Basically, the courts love sodomy and hate Jesus. (Like me!)

Thankfully, there are Asshole Fuckfaces like State Senator Chris Buttars who see far deeper into state laws than most.

Um. What? Dude. Free fucking cocksucking motherfucking assbanging speech. Just saying. I want to bend you over a couch and turn your anus into a basketball hoop, and I’m totally within my rights to say it. Your balls? I want to gnaw on them until they become taffy. Your cock? No thanks.

And there’s more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

It turns out Pat Boone can do something worse than make music. He can also talk about politics, terrorism and homosexuality. He did just that in an awesome article on the delightful World Net Daily website.

Oh, yes. Very rotten. Man, you really know how to assign the appropriate words to summon deep feelings within your reader. Pat then goes on to describe the death and terror Indians experienced at the hands of the terrorists. Then…

Oh, I’m scared, Pat. Look, we all know there are extremists out there who want to destroy our way of life. Al Qaeda is constantly making threats and Iran is not exactly averse to using terrorism.

Wait. Now? This is happening now? Did I miss the news?

Oh, then you’re an amazing Asshole Fuckface.

I have. In fact I support financially harming people who take away the rights of others.

Um. Do you remember the whole terrorism thingy you opened this article with? Do you know how horrible of a person you are to compare legal protests with the brutal murder of 200 people? Did you know that you are actually worse than the people you are now attacking? Did you know Jesus would have actually hated you? You would have been the one guy he would have looked at and said, “I actually can’t do anything for this guy.”

Yeah, and black people aren’t whole people and women can’t vote. Good argument. Seriously, go shit in your mouth.

Next up, down under Asshole Fuckfacery.

You know the opening scene in the Simpson’s movie, in which Bart Simpson rides his skateboard naked? Don’t bring that movie with you to Australia, because it’s now considered child porn.

No, seriously.

Some poor Australian guy was convicted in February of “possessing child pornography and using his computer to access child pornography.” Because he had pictures of cartoon characters naked.

Uh. Okay, this just got weird. Not that I’ve seen those drawings, but if I had…well, I haven’t.

Actually, that’s exactly what it means. Drawings are not people. Please see Darwin. Australia is now officially more fucked up than the United States.

Finally, a little New York Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s the best way to teach 7th graders about slavery? If you answered, “Forcefully bind two black students together by their hands and feet,” you are an Asshole Fuckface. But that’s exactly what the teacher, Eileen Bernstein of Haverstraw Middle School, did. Yay, psychological damage!

Because being on a slave ship and being under a desk are so similar.

Or, you know, you don’t actually have to DEMONSTRATE IT. You could just teach with words and pictures and shit.

After a meeting with the NAACP, Bernstein still thought was a pretty good idea.

School officials say it’s a “personal issue,” so they won’ tell if Bernstein will be punished or not.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

As of the December 10, 2008, Barack Obama's transitional government website allows users to submit questions for direct response. Users are also able to vote on the questions, to promote those considered more worthy of attention.

I think this is brilliant, I have always thought there should be more direct interaction between a leader and the people. Britain has a government petition website allowing the public to add their vote to causes they deem worthy, however, I have often found the official responses to be confusing and indirect.

'The Transition' has asked the people for their opinions on selected issues, and now they invite you to return the favour. I hope the current trend of interactive political interest will continue. I also hope no less-popular but still deserving issues will be ignored due to the question-voting system.

Here's to change.

The Republican Party is floundering like a gay penis in a vagina. They really have no idea what to do. Some want to go more religious conservative, while others want to go more economic conservative. The choice is obvious if they want to have anything to do with running the country over the next 25 years. They have to move away from the religious nuts. The “I’m okay with destroying the world and the country because Jesus is coming in a couple of years” thing ain’t working. Next month, Republicans will pick their new RNC chair and that will tell us a lot about which way they want to go. I’m hoping for religious nutjob. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders.

Chip Saltsman

Who? He was the powerhouse, mind-man behind the amazing success of non-president Mike Huckabee. Saltsman is being given credit for running Huckabee’s campaign well. Um. Okay. The only reason Huckabee was even close is because he was the craziest religious nut in the race. All the mindless drones punched his ballot for the baby Jesus. But he did outlast Romney and Giuliani, or as they will be known on their new sitcom, The Mormon and Lispy, so he gets some sort of credit. Saltsman was also chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party. Yowza! And a political advisor for Bill Frist’s PAC, as well as development director and the National Republican Senatorial Committee. Wow. That’s an amazing resume of not much. This is whom I want to win. He’s a religious nut and quite inexperienced. Go Saltsman!

Jim Greer

Jimbo is the Florida Republican Party chairman, so he knows how to steal elections, which is a huge plus. After that, his resume is not as awesome. He served two terms on the city council of Oviedo, Florida. And you know the old saying, "As Oviedo goes, so goes America." Also, Oviedo sounds like a brand of soap, which I find to be very attractive. He is less conservative than most other candidates, so I assume he doesn’t have much of a chance. If Republicans go with Jimbo, they could actually regain some power.

Michael Steele

He’s black! Huge plus for Republicans. They really, really want to pretend like they care about black people and putting a black man in charge would do a lot to carry on the myth. Steele is the chairman of GOPAC, which is like the Republican minor leagues. The PAC recruits and helps Republicans get elected to state and local offices. Heard of Sarah Palin She’s a product of GOPAC. So, obviously Steele is a fucking genius. What he is, is a Republican talking point machine.

He chaired the Maryland GOP from 2000-2002 and was lieutenant governor of Maryland from 2002-2006. He then ran for the Senate and lost. Steele believes in a less attack oriented version of the RNC. He doesn’t believe in beating Democrats as much as winning voters. Steele also helped found the Republican Leadership Council.

The Christian Right is very, very opposed to Steele, so his nomination could also swing the RNC to the middle. But he is like any other Republican on all other issues. By that I mean, he is really fucking stupid.

Mike Duncan

He’s the current chairman and he was the big, black guy in The Green Mile. Right? No? If Republicans pick Duncan, it means they think all is well. Some want him, but I can’t see it happening. They are not that stupid, are they?

Katon Dawson

Get your Katon on! Dawson has been the South Carolina Republican Party chairman for 6 kick ass years. It is really hard to get Republicans elected in South Carolina, so he should be praised for his great record. Dude is amazingly good at fundraising, which Republicans totally love. Katon recently held a conference about getting Katon Dawson elected as RNC chairman and peeps from all over the country attended. He has worked hard to bring minorities into the Republican Party. The religious nuts are into him.

Great. Just let us know what the “roots” are, because I see McCarthyism and corruption. Katon is being attacked for being super white, which is weird, considering Republicans usually see that as a feather in the cap. Times are a changing. But in the end, Katon is more of the same.

That’s the failure recipe that brought Republicans to where they are today. Katon is my #2 choice.

Saul Anuzis

Saul has been running the Michigan Republican Party since 2005. Obviously he is flourishing, because Michigan is a huge red state, right? No? He’s a former Teamster. Seriously. Saul is a good PR man and is all about the Republican Party getting its technological shit together. He wants to implement a 50 state Howard Dean type of strategy and actually sounds rather smart.

But then you get to the religious part and, well, the train goes off the tracks.

I can’t believe a guy named Saul is a religious nut. Saul is a big time long shot because Michigan Republicans didn’t produce. But he’s the one who worries me the most.

What he brings to the table is his enthusiasm, his PR savvy, and his knowledge and understanding of why the party needs to change technologically. It would be great if the Republicans took their time getting around to the technology stuff.

Ken Blackwell is also in the running, but he has no chance. His name is too dirty after the 2004 Ohio elections — and he's an idiot.

So, there you go. Take your pick. There are only one or two who can turn the party around, the rest are idiots that bring more of the same.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Senator Hillary Clinton will be the new Secretary of State beginning in January, which means her seat will open up and a new clown must be chosen for the clown car. Hillary was borderline undeserving of the job, but at least she got it by winning an election. She had never actually held office before, but was very involved in the Clinton White House and therefore had some experience. I am a firm believer that Senators should come up the ranks and be established campaigners before taking over the job. I definitely don't think they should get the job because their daddy and uncles are and were Democratic royalty.

Many Democrats are now salivating over the idea of Senator Caroline Kennedy. I mean, what's not to like? Her Dad was killed while he served as president, her uncle was killed while running for president and her other uncle is a still-alive senator. She has never served in office, never been elected, but her family has been all up in that shit, so why not give it to her? Like a gift. Sort of a present for having an awesome last name.

Ah, but you say, she's a very intelligent woman. "Word," I say back, because I am trapped in 1987. She is intelligent. She graduated from Harvard and has a law degree from Columbia. I'm sure it was difficult for her to get in to those schools. She has written books on constitutional law, which is always what one should look for in a politician. Writers are usually great with people. And there's more from her wiki page.

Well, anyone who can help put together a debate and the ballet is ready to take over one of the most important jobs in our country. Kennedy is known for avoiding the spotlight and not wanting to be in the public eye. She should be great on the campaign trail. Close your eyes and imagine shytown taking on Rudy Giuliani in 2010. That's the first time she'd have to square off against an opponent. Following that, she'd have to run again in 2012, for a six-year term. New York Senate race: Not the time to learn.

Many are saying New York governor Paterson should choose a woman, because Hillary was a woman. I think it would be better if he just chose the best candidate, but that's me. I am a lunatic. On the woman front, there are other candidates far more qualified than the princess. Rep. Carolyn Maloney and Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand are two women deserving of the senate nod.

There are also a boatload of men (I like my men in boatloads). Attorney General Andrew Cuomo; Congressman Brian Higgins of Buffalo; William Thompson, the city comptroller; and Adolfo Carrion, Bronx borough president. I would prefer guy-who-was-not-convicted-of-anything Eliot Spitzer, but that will obviously never happen.

The pressure on Paterson to pick a Kennedy will be enormous. People just love the idea of a Kennedy, no matter how undeserving and untested that Kennedy may be. Selecting Caroline Kennedy is nothing more than a slap in the face to the idea of America. Without the name, she's just another rich woman from New York, unworthy of the position.

Oh, good. She's just what the Senate needs right now; another Senator who is beholden to special interests and her fellow entitled politicians, rather than the people of New York. God forbid she actually earn it.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, well, look who came crawling back to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Last week, you screamed, "I can't take it anymore. Why are people so horrible?" Then you flung yourself onto your bed and wept for an entire day. Totally reasonable. But claiming you would never read the Roundup again? That was a horrible lie — just like when you said no more Meth. So here you are, about to read tales of the worst human beings on the planet, once again. Sit back, suck it up and take it in because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some horrible presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

I expect to be including George W. Bush in every Roundup from now until January 20th. Fear the shit he can still do. This week, Bush decided to pull down his pants, squat over our water and take a big shit in it. Bush approved a ruling that makes it easier for coal companies to dump dirt waste into streams and valleys.

Mountain Top Removal is shockingly destructive. The process has already devastated ecosystems and communities in Appalachia. Now, they can ruin the surface and groundwater. Thank God. Water is so fucking stupid — just go buy it if you can't use yours.

Was the Bush assault on water done there? Nope. Next he's going to allow an awesome neurotoxin into our water supplies.

No worries. Just years of a horrible toxin in our water system.

Hey, thyroids are fucking lame. They don't really do much. Plus, you can buy your water if you're worried about your stupid thyroid.

Next up, some parental Asshole Fuckfacery.

Meet Brenda Lyddon. She's from Iowa and she has a mentally disabled son. Naturally, that means she wants mentally disabled people to have their voting rights stripped away.

Or, you know, you could not be an Asshole Fuckface.

Wow. She challenged his ballot. She is wonderful mommy. I wonder why she went through all this trouble.

Uh huh. Maybe she's mad because her disabled son won and she lost. Also, she's kind of retarded for supporting for McCain.

Next up, copper Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jennifer and John Davis were headed to the hospital on Route 2 near Boston. The traffic was a nightmare, which was not good because she was about to shoot a baby out of her vagina. Her contractions were only three minutes apart. So, John, being a man and a father took evasive action. He drove in the breakdown lane, until he came upon a state trooper. He then asked Trooper Michael Galluccio if he could keep using the lane to reach the next exit. Unfortunately, Galluccio turned out to be an Asshole Fuckface.

Hey, it's the guy that makes people hate cops! Yay! He spent ten minutes writing them a ticket, then sent them on their way.

They made it to the hospital and the baby was born five hours later, which doesn't really mean shit. A woman in labor can give birth at any time and die during the process. Tooper Asshole Fuckface got lucky.

Finally, our last Asshole Fuckface was our first Asshole Fuckface.

Yes, it's George W. Bush again. This week he gave a fantastic interview, during which he was the same horrible, lying douchebag he has been all along. But this wasn't just an ordinary interview, this was the beginning of creating the Bush myth. Much like was done with Reagan, they will now begin lying in order to win the battle of history.



Saddam Hussein allowed International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors into Iraq in December 2002, four months before the war began. They destroyed Iraq's stockpiles of al Samoud missiles in early 2003.

On March 7, Hans Blix, the head of the IEAE inspection team, told the UN that, "At this juncture we are able to perform professional, no-notice inspections all over Iraq and to increase aerial surveys." Immediately after Blix' report, however, Bush warned the inspectors to prepare to leave Iraq. Ten days later, he ordered them out of the country. The invasion began three days later, on March 20.

Oh, and the White House sort of created the Office of Special Plans, run by Douglas Feith, to cherry pick intelligence so that we could attack Iraq.